Narcissistic Abuse: What It Is and Why It Matters

Written By Ashana Kaiulani

When people hear the word “abuse,” they often think of bruises or broken bones. But abuse doesn’t always leave visible scars—and some of the most sneaky forms are emotional and psychological.

Narcissistic abuse is one of those forms. It’s a pattern of manipulation, control, and psychological harm that can leave survivors deeply confused, isolated, and full of self-doubt. Because it doesn’t always involve yelling or hitting, narcissistic abuse is often overlooked or misunderstood—even by those experiencing it.

But here's what we need to be clear about:
Emotional abuse is real. And it’s often the first red flag in a pattern that can escalate into physical violence—or even fatal outcomes.

🔍 What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like

This kind of abuse often happens slowly, under the radar. It can be confusing—because the person who causes harm may also seem charming, loving, or protective at times. That’s part of the cycle.

Here are some common signs:

  • Love bombing: Over-the-top affection, gifts, or attention early in the relationship that feels intoxicating—but is often used to create dependency

  • Gaslighting: Denying things they said or did, making you question your memory or reality (“You’re too sensitive,” “That never happened,” “You’re crazy”)

  • Blame-shifting: Refusing to take responsibility and always turning things back on you

  • Control: Monitoring where you go, how you dress, who you talk to, or controlling finances and decision-making

  • Isolation: Slowly cutting you off from family, friends, or outside support

  • Withholding affection or silent treatment: Punishing you with distance or rejection when you don’t comply

These behaviors may seem small on their own—but together, they create a powerful web of control that chips away at a person’s sense of identity and safety.

🧠 The Impact on Survivors: It’s More Than Hurt Feelings

Living under constant psychological stress impacts your nervous system, brain function, and mental health in real and lasting ways. Survivors often experience:

  • Hypervigilance: Always being on edge, anticipating the next outburst or manipulation

  • C-PTSD symptoms: Flashbacks, insomnia, difficulty concentrating, emotional numbing

  • Depression and anxiety

  • Loss of self-trust: Second-guessing every decision, feeling incapable or “crazy”

  • Shame and isolation, which keep survivors silent

This is not “just a bad relationship.” This is trauma.

🛑 Why Emotional Abuse Can Be a Warning Sign for Violence

Many survivors say, “It didn’t start that way.”
Most abusers don’t begin with physical violence—they test boundaries slowly, gaining control through emotional and psychological means first.

Research shows that:

  • Emotional abuse is a strong predictor of future physical harm

  • Coercive control and gaslighting are often present in domestic homicide cases

  • Survivors often stay longer in emotionally abusive relationships because they don’t realize it’s abuse until it escalates

By the time physical violence begins, many survivors feel trapped—financially, emotionally, and psychologically.

That’s why naming emotional abuse early is critical. It can literally save lives.

💜 What You Can Do

Whether you're someone who's survived this or someone who wants to help, here are a few steps that make a difference:

If you're a survivor:

  • You are not overreacting. If something feels off or unsafe, trust that instinct.

  • Document what’s happening. Keep screenshots, notes, or journal entries in a safe place.

  • Reach out for support. Even just talking to someone who believes you can shift everything.

You deserve support. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel safe in your own life.

If you're a friend, family member, or ally:

  • Listen without judgment. Don’t pressure them to leave or question their decisions. Just believe them.

  • Learn the signs. Awareness helps you spot red flags in your own life or others'.

  • Share resources. You never know who’s silently watching and needing help.

📞 Resources That Can Help

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
    Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
    Text: "START" to 88788
    Web: www.thehotline.org

  • DomesticShelters.org
    A searchable database of shelters and advocacy programs across the U.S.
    www.domesticshelters.org

  • ALDVRP Facebook Group
    A safe and private community space for women who are currently experiencing or recovering from abuse.
    → Contact us here to request to be added to the group

💬 Final Thoughts

Narcissistic abuse may be harder to name, but it is no less harmful than physical violence. It breaks people down from the inside out. It silences them. It confuses them. And too often, it sets the stage for danger.

At ALDVRP, we are committed to naming abuse in all its forms—so that survivors can find their voice, their freedom, and their safety again.

Let’s keep talking about it. Let’s keep listening.
And let’s keep building a world where no one has to suffer in silence.

#NarcissisticAbuseAwareness #YouAreNotAlone #DVPrevention #EmotionalAbuseIsReal #ALDVRP

Ashana Kaiulani
Next

The Realities of Domestic Violence: Beyond the Stereotypes